In this blog I would like to talk about experiences shared by new moms I have a privilege of working with. There is still stigma associated with mental health difficulties despite much research and growing number of people willing to talk about their struggles. Stigma around mood and anxiety problems during pregnancy and postpartum seems even more punishing and unfair – it isolates and robs new moms of what is supposed to be a joyful experience. “This isn’t what I was expecting” and “I just don’t feel like myself” are two most common descriptions new moms share. New moms are expected to be happy, grateful, and be able to do everything on their own – anything less than this is perceived as unacceptable. It is not uncommon for a new mom to experience feelings of guilt and shame because what they expected does not match their actual experience of overwhelm and exhaustion under new responsibilities no matter how many books they’ve read or how prepared they thought they were for motherhood. Just because it is childbirth and motherhood are natural does not make either an easy and smooth transition. Often expectations are too unrealistic both from the outside (social expectations) as well as expectations we put on ourselves: “everyone else makes it look so easy, why can’t I?”, “she has three kids and she is always put together”, “she seems so happy, what is wrong with me”, and “her Facebook pictures are always perfect.” Do these sound familiar? You are not alone! And, of course, Facebook pictures are perfect! Who posts pictures of messy kitchens and piles of dirty laundry? There is a connection between our mood and what is going on in our lives, and when we have children this becomes even more salient because so many changes occur at the same time affecting every single domain in our lives: intimate relationships, friendships, relationships with parents and parents-in-law, work, leisure activities – just to name a few. Do not pretend that everything is fine when it is not. It is important to keep in mind that changes in your relationship with your partner are normal and that postpartum period is a role transition for both of you. You have less time for each other; you have different ways of doing same things. Your partner’s way is not necessarily right or wrong – it’s just different. Sometimes, we tend to withdraw when we feel sad rather than reach out for help because we think we should know how to do everything. It is important to express our needs and ask for help without fear of judgment or rejection. Sometimes, we are caught in resenting a fact that we have to ask for the obvious but what seems obvious to us might not be such to our partners. Sleep when your baby sleeps – sleep deprivation is a strong contributor to postpartum mood and anxiety difficulties. Allow yourself to be flexible with your own expectations, especially, with house chores – it’s ok if dishes aren’t done, you don’t get to the laundry, or if dinner is a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. Sometimes we worry about burdening our families and friends – everyone is busy and tired, and the tyranny of “shoulds” ensues: I should be able to do this myself, suck it up and do it, others have it much worse than I, snap out of it, etc. Social support is important – ask your friends who have children how they handle some of the things you are struggling with; take advantage of many free moms’ groups in the city. Often just sharing how you feel and knowing that you are not alone in your experiences is helpful. Conflict with parents and parents-in-law is common. When we are tired and sleep deprived, we often interpret advise and help as a criticism and commentary on what we are doing wrong even when it is intended as a genuine attempt at providing help. Practice self-compassion – imagine, what you would say to a best friend or a loved one who is going through similar experiences and extend the same kindness to yourself. There is no such thing as “perfect.”
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